Chapter Text
Kel tried to call out for help.
He was unable to speak.
The field stretched out beyond the horizon, the storm nearly reaching him. Sweat trailed down the side of his head, vision obstructed by his orange hair–everything about him orange once again.
Some part of him recognized it wasn’t right, that it wasn’t real, but the overwhelming sensation of wrongness clung to his skin, begging him to go forward and run away from the approaching rain.
An invisible binding kept him in place, and seeping pain spread throughout his left palm as he struggled to push himself forward. After a herculean effort, something splintered, and Kel could finally step out of his statue-like state.
The moment he could, he ran, feeling the wind whipping against him as he struggled to not fall, his limbs unfamiliar and odd. He couldn’t stop, not with the crackling warning in the distance and the unending rain traveling quick.
How long have I been here?
Kel blindly raced forward, breathing heavily, arms swinging.
Why is there nothing?
Intense anxiety gripped his soul, and he realized he was completely alone. Jittering eyes darted back and forth, trying to spot anything, anyone, but there was nothing. Darkness crawled around the edges of his vision, and his throat closed as the temptation to freeze gripped him.
But he couldn’t stop running.
The storm was coming.
He had to find someone.
He had to find shelter.
Kel opened his mouth, and still couldn’t speak.
Then, he saw it.
A house!
Finally, he’s home!
Kel sprinted toward the dilapidated house, old and broken yet filled with familiar, tempting warmth. His clothes brushed against his skin as he smiled without teeth–fear fought against hope not far away.
Once he reached the splintered wooden door, he banged on it, unable to call out. Pushing it didn’t work, a leather strap holding a large beam on the other side for safety. His parents blocked it off because of the storm! The wind could blow it open, which wasn’t safe.
Kel just had to keep knocking! They would open it for him.
I know I wasn’t being a good boy, but they’ll let me back in.
Knock, knock, knock.
It’s dinner time, isn’t it? I’m so hungry. I haven’t eaten in so long.
Knock, knock, knock.
I can smell it through the door! Mama worked hard. They must be waiting for me!
Knock, knock, knock.
It’s windy and loud, but the storm hasn’t reached us yet. They should be able to hear me.
Knock, knock.
Maybe Mama is still preparing it. Papa is home from work, isn’t he? Is he taking care of my sister?
Knock...
Let me try the window!
Kel left the doorway, realizing they couldn’t hear him. He wandered to the opposite side, keeping his hands away from the old wood. The house was in bad shape, but it was still home. They weren’t rich–they didn’t have much at all, but it was everything they needed.
They had each other.
Kel rounded the corner and skipped toward the window. Orange hands weaved between the crack, trying to open it from the outside. Of course his parents closed it–why wouldn’t they? If rain got inside, it’d be really, really bad!
Thankfully, he could peek through the gap, peering inside to ensure someone was there. He still couldn’t speak, but once he saw someone, he would knock really hard! It was getting really, really windy.
He leaned in with curious eyes, seeing the blue inside. Blue everything, blue-tinged walls and flooring, blue people.
Oh!
Kel knocked on the wood.
Mama, Papa, I’m home! Why did you start eating without me? You must’ve been starving.
Kel squinted, continuing to make noise. When they didn’t look up from their meal, smiling and laughing together, the warmth contained inside away from him, Kel knocked harder and harder. He couldn’t speak, and his jaw was hurting again.
Why won't they look at me? They have to hear me.
Rumbling thunder.
It’s a little scary now! My hand hurts.
Thankfully, after a remarkably loud knock, his little sister’s head lolled up, looking back at him. It’ll be hard to see, but he was very bright! He hadn’t been the nicest to her, but he still loved her lots! She even started waddling around now that she was older.
His sister pointed and babbled, and Kel brightened.
Finally! It really was that they couldn’t hear me!
…
Mama? Papa?
They didn’t look. They just kept eating.
His sister continued to point, growing louder, smiling and laughing in excitement, but they ignored her, too. They shushed her, placing more food on her plate.
They made a point not to look in his direction.
Confusion overtook her small, blue features, and those chubby hands began picking up the food, eyes still trailing toward where Kel remained in the gap.
Kel stopped knocking.
I came back. I…was supposed to come back, right?
…
I’ll be good. I won’t complain anymore. I won’t talk. I won’t do anything. I won't ask for love again. I won't eat a lot. I’m sorry I’m like this. I’m sorry I’m not like you. I'm sorry I was born wrong. Please don't throw me away...please, I'm sorry...I'm...
Kel backed away, and his sister began to cry. They shushed her, their voices slowly inaudible as Kel whipped his head back, the dark clouds far too near.
If he couldn’t hide inside, if Mama and Papa wouldn’t let him in–
I have to…
Kel stumbled as he launched forward into a sprint, sending one last longing look at his home.
I knew already. I knew, didn’t I?
Tears welled in his eyes, vision blurry as he sniffled and wept, running away as fast as he could.
Where am I supposed to hide?
Kel hiccupped, his heart racing as another roar echoed from the sky, getting closer and closer, and he had to run, had to keep running. As he ran, he spotted an orange speck ahead, flapping tirelessly toward a hope for safety.
I tried to be good! I was as good as I could be! I tried so hard!
Kel glanced back, but the house was already out of sight.
I wish I was never–
Kel–
Kel’s eyes opened.
Kel’s eyes openedbecause–
“Are you okay?”
A hand hesitantly landed on his back, and Kel heaved as he collapsed, staring down at his hands in the room’s dim lighting, the morning sun barely shining through. He angled his head, blurry vision making out the silhouette beside him.
Where am I? Why is it warm? Where’s the–
“Did you have a nightmare? I think you were sleepwalking…” Sunny carefully helped Kel up, still in pajamas as well. “I’m glad I woke up early.”
“S–Sleepwalking?” Kel’s body was wracked with random tremors, the urge to run still coursing through him. He could hear the pattering of rain outside, still raining as it had been for the past three days since the storm.
Sunny gestured, and Kel realized they were at the bedroom door. Kel lifted his head, glancing back at where he’d been sleeping–Omori’s bed, but it was really Mari’s.It was unkept, and the blanket had fallen to the floor.
Kel continued to catch his breath, running a hand through his hair. He finally sat up properly, sending Sunny a sheepish look. Sunny frowned in response.
“I know it’s not good to wake people sleepwalking, but you were just bumping into the door. I worried if I opened it, you could…fall.” Sunny’s frown deepened, pressing his palm to Kel’s forehead. “Do you feel bad anywhere? Maybe a headache?”
“No. I'm just…disoriented.” Kel winced, moving his jaw around after speaking and hearing the clicking noise. Something within ached, and Kel wondered if he had finally lost the battle against cavities. He hadn’t been brushing his teeth as diligently, and he was eating much more than he used to–constantly.
Did I seriously dream about being hungry? Am I a garbage can?
It was already foggy, but he knew he was running from a storm and tried to find shelter. And he…wasn’t let in.
Was it his family?
Ugh, is my subconscious trying to mess with my feelings? It worked. Now I feel bad for ignoring Sally. I haven’t seen her in a while. Maybe…
Kel blinked away the rest of his sleepy haze, rubbing his arms. “Um…do you wanna come over and meet Sally today?”
Sunny hummed. “That’s random.”
“I, uh, had a dream about her?”
“Oh. That’s adorable.” Sunny softened, letting out a short giggle after a moment of silence. Then, the random bout of mirth faded, attention shifting. “I’d love to, but…I really need to catch up on Headspace. At this rate, I’ll miss my deadline, and the whole schedule will be thrown off. The story is really…excitingright now.” Sunny’s eyes narrowed.
Kel followed Sunny's gaze, spotting Omori on Sunny’s bed, sitting politely.
Is Sunny glaring at Omori?
“Okay. Yeah, that’s fine. I think I’m…” Kel’s shoulders slumped. “I think I should visit her. Are you gonna be okay alone?”
“I won’t be alone,” Sunny replied instantly, gesturing to the doll he was glowering at. “I’ll be drawing and keeping Omori occupied. Take all the time you need. I’m sure Sally really misses you.”
“I mean, she’s only two. How much can she miss me? Don’t babies have a bad memory?”
“Two years old is toddler age. She’s speaking, isn't she?”
“Yeah…she calls me ‘El because she can’t pronounce K’s right.” He smiled, a pinch in his chest.
She’s only a baby. Why have I been ignoring her because of bad adults? That’s really not fair of me. She’s probably so bored, too. I’ve passed my house getting groceries, so I’ve messed with Hector, but Sally must be lonely.
“I think it’ll be good for you.” Sunny patted his arm, smiling sweetly. “I’m not going anywhere, so don’t rush. Go have fun.”
“You’re talking like a…mom!” Kel didn’t dislike it. It felt very domestic.
I almost said spouse.
“She’s rubbed off on me.” Sunny flicked Kel’s cheek, ignoring his dramatic whine. Suddenly, Kel remembered.
“Wait, has she called yet?”
“No. Where she is must’ve been hit badly by the weather.” Sunny sighed, shaking his head and getting up. He waited for Kel to stand before moving back toward Omori. “Okay, get your clothes and get out. I need to change.”
“Right, right.” Kel grinned, rushing to one of the drawers and taking out his usual items. He had decided to do Sunny's laundry and a bunch of other chores alongside cooking while he drew. After all, Kel had nothing else to do while waiting for Sunny to break focus. It had been a pretty peaceful couple of days.
Chores aren't fun, but they are weirdly relaxing. They keep my brain occupied.
Kel definitely needed it. He hadn’t had any breakdowns or spirals since Aubrey–
Well…
…
According to Sunny, the night-blooming cereus was nearing its time to flower. Their conversations had relaxed a lot now that Kel wasn’t prodding around for answers. Sunny also seemed to accept Kel was sticking around, so there were no issues. Besides being intently focused on drawing and only taking breaks to eat, Sunny seemed to be doing much better.
Sort of.
All that drawing can’t be good for his hands, and he seems really stressed while he’s doing it. There’s a lot more crumpled paper in the bin than there used to be, and it’s starting to get tossed on the floor.
Kel checked on him and left snacks, ignoring the tremor in his heart at the familiar action. But it was different. Sunny wasn’t like Henry because when Sunny finished working hard, he smiled sweetly at Kel, and they spent time together.
Once Sunny caught up more, they would go out again! Maybe…even reconnect with Aubrey and meet her friends.
“Whatcha making?” Sunny poked his head into the kitchen, and Kel realized he’d been running on autopilot after changing. He recovered quickly, tilting his head toward the almost complete breakfast bagels. Sunny tiptoed forward, leaning near. He looked on as Kel checked the over-medium eggs–everything else was already loaded on. “Woah, what’d you put on it?” Sunny rocked back and forth, Omori held securely.
“Some eggs–” Kel realized they were done and carefully placed the eggs on top of what was already stacked, grinning. “Cheese, bacon, sriracha ketchup, and guacamole.”
“Don’t most people just put cream cheese on bagels?”
“That’s not a full meal at all!” Kel turned off the stove, set the top of the bagels on, and placed his hands on his hips, satisfied. “I’m starving, so I gotta go all out. It’s a balanced meal!” Despite what he said, Kel handed Sunny his plate, which had his bagel, and a smaller one with only cream cheese.
Sunny rose a brow.
Kel shrugged. “Omori’s fine with it. Probably. He can tell me if he doesn’t like it.” He wandered off after speaking, smiling to himself at Sunny’s eye–roll. He grabbed two apples before joining Sunny in the dining room, stomach screaming at him as always. Hopefully, three giant bagels would be enough to satiate it.
“Thank you for the food, Kel. It looks delicious.” Sunny praised him, as he always did before eating. Kel still flushed in embarrassment each time, undeniably happy. After Sunny started to eat, Kel did too, body jittering with joy.
I love food!
He did his best to savor it, but he was so hungry, and it tasted so good! It felt like it only took seconds before all three bagels and the apples were gone, too, downing a cup of water with a satisfied grin.
…He wasn’t full. It wasn’t enough.
Kel noticed it–of course, he noticed it–but no matter how much he ate, the feeling didn’t go away. He was just sohungry.Eating quelled it for a little while, and watching Sunny eat also made it ease, but it never went away.
I’m probably sick unless it’s some kind of growth spurt, which would be terrible. My jaw hasn’t stopped hurting either. Am I not brushing my teeth enough?
The obvious answer was there, and Kel’s shoulders slumped. He didn’t want to have smelly breath or gross teeth. That wasn’t appealing. Not that eating a ton was appealing, either. Was it? Maybe it could be. Maybe it didn’t matter.
I don’t think it’s normal. Something is wrong with my body. I didn’t eat the apple stems this time, at least. It’d freak Sunny out. Oh, he has something on his cheek.
Kel reached out and wiped the crumb off with his thumb, not processing the action. He then froze, hand still near Sunny’s face.
Sunny’s irises flickered over, curious.
Kel quickly handed over a napkin, pretending it didn’t happen. Sunny stared a moment longer, then sighed, taking it and wiping his face. “Thank you.”
“Yup.” Kel’s voice cracked.
Awesome. Really awesome, Kel. You’re so cool and smooth.
The embarrassment made him shrink into himself, subconsciously glancing at Omori’s mini bagel.
I want it.
“…Do you think Omori would let me eat his bagel?”
Sunny stopped, turning to him fully and placing his half-eaten bagel down. “What?”
“Can I eat Omori’s bagel? He doesn’tactuallyeat, so…” Kel said with an awkward hand flourish, knowing it was risky to mention. Sunnyknewa doll couldn’t eat, and neither could a ghost possessing it. It was purely for the sake of inclusion. Sunny always threw it away afterward, like the garbage was Omori’s mouth.
It was a waste that grated on his nerves, especially when he worked hard to cook it.
Throwing away perfectly delicious food should be a crime.
“That’s…” Sunny’s face scrunched up, voice wavering from its dreamy tone. “Look, you know Omori likes to be included, and he likes to…feel…?” Sunny slowly stopped, turning around. He stared directly at Omori, eyes widening.
It was quiet, Sunny listening to words Kel couldn’t hear.
Omori better not be talking bad about me again. We’ve been getting along great.
Kel fiddled with the sword keychain attached to his pants, waiting.
Sunny finally turned back, lost.
“He…said it was okay.”
“What?” Kel lit up. He honestly didn’t expect that.
“He said you could eat it for him.” Sunny looked through Kel, body tense, voice low. Kel grew concerned, reaching out and carefully touching his shoulder. Sunny glanced at his left hand, reaching toward it and grasping it carefully. He took a deep breath, then nodded, eyes glistening with pure confusion. “Go…ahead.”
“Thanks, Sunny. And Omori.” Kel acknowledged him, eating the small bagel in one bite. It wasn’t much at all, but food was food. Kel pulled back, watching Sunny return to eating with even shakier hands, bewilderment scrunching up odd parts of his face.
Is it really that surprising? Has Omori been a brat about it before?
Kel suppressed a snort, then returned to peacefully watching Sunny eat, thoughts no longer wandering. After Sunny got full, Kel happily ate what was left over.
The rest of the morning was peaceful bliss. After cleaning up and watching Sunny go back to drawing with Omori, Kel left the house. He hyped himself up for returning home, the rain leaving a weird, lingering sensation against his skin.
The clouds weren’t super dark, but there seemed to be no end to them.
How long is it going to rain?
Kel shook his head, greeting Hector with excitement. After playing with him, Kel approached the door, raising his hand to knock.
…It’s my house.
Kel sank.
Why am I knocking?
He shook it off and went inside. He slipped off his shoes and glanced around. Should he call out? Eh. He could just go up. Sally still slept in his parents' room. When she got a little older, she’d probably have to share Kel and Henry's room unless they cleared out a different one for her.
If Henry had moved out or gone to college like he should’ve, it would’ve been fine. I guess she could take the middle of the room, but it’s going to be cramped. I doubt she’d want to share a room with either of us. I clean up, and I’m quiet, but Henry’s not a good roommate or role model. Has he even met Sally?
That thought made him pause.
He…did he talk to her? Say hello? Did Mom and Dad bring her to him? I can’t remember. I can’t remember at all. Mom and Dad had to have, right? Right?
…Would they even bother?
It doesn’t involve me.
Kel heard his mom’s excited voice chatting, followed by strings of one or two words from Sally. Kel smiled without realizing it, peeking in through the door’s gap. A certain warmth settled over him at the sight of his Mom playing with Sally, joyful and bright, while Sally mimicked those expressions, stomping her feet.
If I go in there…will I ruin it?
Kel swallowed around a formed lump in his throat, remaining still.
I’m happy right now. I’m doing well. Sally won’t mind being around me, and Mom won’t mind. Mom likes it when I watch Sally, and she can take a break, even though I’m not good at it. I’m not the best with her. I haven’t been very enthusiastic or close with Sally because I didn’t want…
A realization tugged his shoulders down, nausea watering his eyes.
I didn’t want to get close to her if I was gonna die. But I’m not gonna die now, right? I don’t really want to anymore. I know I should…no, no, that’s not right, is it? That’s not right. That’s not right. I can earn my right to live, and I have been. I’ve been doing great. I’m making Sunny happy, and if I work hard, I can make more people happy, like Aubrey, who’s my friend, because she said she’s my friend. But she has a pair who makes her happy–no, but more is alright. So it’s okay if I have a family because I–
“‘El? ‘El! ‘El!” Sally pointed at him through the door, and Kel’s heart stopped.
Blue.
Kel backed away as Sally excitedly babbled, reaching for him and waddling over, somehow spotting him through the gap.
Why are you happy when it’s me?
“Sally, be careful! Don’t wander off!” Mom grunted as she got up, clearly exhausted. She hurried forward, and Kel wanted to run. He wanted to run and escape so he didn’t have to see her and be subject to that fake affection laced with other intentions and expectations he would only fail and–
Kel dropped down and caught Sally before she could fall, heart racing. She latched onto him happily, continuing to shout that nickname, trying to get closer.
“Oh, Kel! That’s what she saw.” Mom chuckled, opening the door wider. “Good catch. She’s been running around a lot more lately. Don’t overwhelm your brother, Sally.” She chided and reached forward, but Sally ignored her, clinging to Kel.
“‘El up! ‘El up me!” She raised her arms expectantly. Mom made a helpless motion. Kel wasn’t really looking.
He securely held Sally before standing, the fit of giggles that followed making his arms tense. Kel remained mute, staring blankly.
“Are you alright, Kel? Did something happen?”
Don’t pretend to care now. Don’t pretend to care now like you didn’t ignore me for years.
“M’fine. Sleepy.”
“It is certainly early for a teen on summer break.” Mom chuckled, waving her hand. “It’s nice seeing you again–it’s been a few days! How’s Sunny doing?”
“He’s doing good.” Kel watched Sally tug at his sweater, making random noises. “How’s Sally been?”
“Lively as ever. That’s why I’m up early. Your sister really takes after you.” Mom sighed, shaking her head. “Born with all the energy in the world.”
“Better than having no energy and doing nothing,” Kel said, then realized his mistake. Mom seemed to not pick up on it, nodding along.
Of course, she didn’t notice the jab. She doesn’t care what I say anyway.
“So what brings you back? Do you want a snack?”
“Snack?” Kel perked up, and his mom touched her mouth with a knowing and amused chuckle. Kel faltered, embarrassed. A different kind than he had with Sunny, where butterflies warmed him. This kind was gross. He felt stupid.
“I’ll get an orange for you. I know they’re your favorite.” She started walking off, and Kel watched, still holding Sally close. “Your father’s doing well, too, by the way. He’s been busy lately because of that new project. Oh…it all goes over my head. We may be able to go on a nice vacation after.”
“Cool…” Kel mumbled, watching her go down the stairs and out of sight. She had a habit of rambling even when people stopped listening. Something middle-aged women did.
“Look me!”
“I’m looking.” Kel lowered his head and was immediately smacked. Kel leveled Sally with an unamused stare, even if it wasn’t painful, and she laughed as loudly as possible. “Funny, huh? You like bullying me?”
Sally squealed, smacking him again.
Kel let her do what she wanted, unsure why he was so amusing. He cradled her in one arm, lifting his left hand to poke her. The moment he reached forward, though, she stilled. Kel’s breath caught in his throat. “Sally?”
She stared at his hand, face scrunching up like she was about to cry. Kel hurried to support her with both arms again, wondering if she was unbalanced. The upset expression melted away when she was met with his face, and she began smacking him gently.
What was that?
It gave him a heart attack. Kel honestly felt like throwing up, terrified that he’d done something wrong. By the time his mom returned with a plate, he had calmed down enough, going into the room to play with Sally properly.
“Would you mind watching her for a little? I need to do the laundry and clean up.” Mom quickly handed over responsibility, and Kel nodded.
“Sure.”
“Thank you, honey!” Mom shuffled off, and Kel focused on his sister, who was concentrated while she stacked colored blocks on top of one another. Kel helped her out, once again feeling strangely relaxed.
Normal, maybe.
Normal was the word.
Like nothing had ever been wrong.
But…it’s not that he felt amazing.
It’s a little hollow.
Beyond that…
The snack isn’t enough. I think I really am sick.
At least when he focused entirely on playing with Sally and talking with her, he could ignore the feeling of hunger, trying to live in the moment. It wasn’t something he was used to. He was used to drifting along constantly, far from grounded, and drowning in his negative spirals.
These past three days have been really great and peaceful. I’m happy. I’m just a little hungry. That’s all I have to complain about. Isn’t that amazing? I wanted to die less than two weeks ago. Now I'm living fine.
Kel reached out and patted Sally’s head, noting that she had a lot of hair. They must share that gene, too, even if her hair color was a red-tinted brown. It was really soft, and the ponytail was very silly. A weird sense of jealousy filled him, remembering the length of his hair before he had to cut it.
“‘El, look me!”
“I’m looking, I’m looking!” Kel grinned, watching her shove over all the blocks she stacked and then clap, shouting and bursting with lively laughter. And, watching that pure joy, Kel began to laugh with her for no reason, heart swelling with warmth.
Sally’s happy! I’m making her happy, so I’m happy, too!
With a large, crooked smile, Kel suddenly understood.
That’s how it was working with Sunny! I get it now! That's why the days we spent with Aubrey and Basil were so nice!
Kel felt a weight lift off of him, the starved clutch that had its nails sunk into him alleviating, allowing him to bask in the profound realization.
If the people I love are happy, then I’m happy! If I work hard for their smiles, everything will be perfect. I'll be able to smile back. I'd earn it. I…want to be happy, always.
Sally began stacking colors again, ensuring he was paying attention.
If I can bring people happiness, won't they overlook what's wrong with me? Won't they be okay with who I am? People will enjoy happiness more than they hate me, right?
Blue flashed in his mind, and a crack in that new hope spread.
No...that's not always the case. I already failed to make my family happy, apart from Sally. I can’t do it. I’m not good enough at making people feel better so nobody else will like me. Sunny does, and Aubrey…does like me, too. Maybe I earned it when we were younger! That’s what it seems like. Aubrey even outright said it! We were friends as kids, and she still likes me now because of it. It must be that way for Sunny! I need to make sure they keep wanting me by making them happy. Maybe I'll even be able to make up with Basil. Right, all my friends...except...
Another crack.
Why…was I never good enough for Henry? No matter how much I loved him, I couldn’t fix or make him happy. I can't meet my parents' expectations, so I've already failed them. There's no point in trying anymore. The last remaining is Sally.
Kel helped Sally stack the blocks up again.
Sally’s family, but that’s not a guarantee of love. I know that now. She might even grow to hate me later like Sunny or Aubrey could since Hero clearly changed his mind about me when I thought he really loved me and–
“No! No!” Sally shouted at him after he accidentally knocked the tower over. Kel took a moment to snap back to reality, and he quickly built the pillar again, catching his breath.
“Sorry! Sorry. Sorry, I didn’t mean to–” She was a toddler, and he was shaking. “Sorry, Sally. I didn’t mean to! I swear!”
Sally turned her body, staring directly at him. Her head was still a little heavy, so she didn’t move it around as she stepped toward him, ignoring the stack. Kel’s breath hitched in his throat, and he tried fixing it again.
Did I ruin it? Does she not like it anymore? Does she not want to keep playing? She was happy, and I ruined it! Again, again, again! I always do this! I'm such an idiot!
Sally hugged him.
Sally...hugged him?
“So sad.” She awkwardly patted him, clearly mimicking something she’d seen. “So sad.”
Kel didn’t know how to react, stunned. He lifted a hand and wiped his face, ashamed that he cried in front of a toddler. That had to be wrong. Wouldn’t it upset her?
“So sad.” Sally continued to say it, hugging him as best she could. “So sad.”
“I–I’m not sad, Sally! It’s okay. Let’s play!” Kel smiled, gesturing back to the toys, trying to be a good big brother.
“So sad!” Sally refused, holding on.
“I’m all better now.” Did she even understand him? How did two-year-olds work? He spent plenty of time around her, but it was distant. Did Sally really already know how other people were feeling? There was absolutely no way he was burdening atoddler.“No sad.”
“So sad!”
“No sad!” Kel felt stupid. “Let’s play! Playing! Playtime!”
“…Bah.”
Kel blinked. “What?”
“Bah!”
Was she sassing him? Was a two-year-old sassing him? Kel silently gestured to the toys, unsure how to respond. Sally made a face. “I won’t be sad anymore if you play with me.” Kel picked up a nearby plushy and moved it around. “Look, the kitty wants to play with you!”
That caught her attention. She seemed uncertain, but Kel put on his best and brightest grin, waving the toy around. Eventually, she gave in, thumping over and hugging it close, makingawwsounds.
Kel stared and slumped, exhausted.
I cannot believe a toddler paid more attention to my feelings than any adult in this house.
…
Wow. Really? They got outdone by a toddler?
Kel ran a hand down his face, unsure what he was feeling.
Should I try to make more friends with other people? Maybe not even friends. Nice acquaintances. If everyone around me is happy, I will be too. It’s obviously contagious. I can’t be happy on my own. I just spiral and need someone to get me out.
Sally sat down, babbling to the plush. Kel watched, head on his hand.
If she already feels empathy, it’s probably good she doesn’t see Henry. She’d burst into tears. Knowing at least one family member cares enough to look at me...is good enough. If I was locked out, she’d let me back inside.
...
What didthatmean?
A blurry image was barely clung onto, and Kel assumed it had something to do with his dream–something about a storm and colors.
Whatever.
Kel tossed the thoughts and wants aside, focusing on the moment of simple happiness. He'd worry about everything else later. Maybe he could ask Sunny for his opinion, though that did risk upsetting him. It was tricky avoiding landmines that made Sunny clam up. At least Sunny was getting less tense as the days went on.
Today, asking for Omori’s food clearly threw Sunny off again. Maybe he was used to how things worked, and when they changed, it made him panic. Or maybe he didn’t expect Omori to be so accommodating.
Either way. Shouldn’t ask Sunny.
Could Kel just…try it out, then?
What exactly?
Kel rubbed his jaw, squinting.
Maybe if he…helped out around town? He wasn’t brave enough to see Aubrey again yet, so…
I think I saw flyers in Othermart for tutoring. I might be able to do that. I’ll check it out after watching Sally.
It would be a great first trial.
*
“Omori says you were gone most of the day.” Sunny randomly piped up during dinner, taking a bite of spaghetti after. It was a lighter tone than lunch, and Kel relaxed, nodding.
“Did some tutoring for pocket change. It worked out. They were really happy about the help.” Kel brightened further, taking a large bite with a satisfied expression.
“That’s wonderful!” Sunny matched the enthusiasm, eyes curving genuinely. “Oh, that’s so good to hear. I've felt bad because you’ve been inside doing all my chores and cooking…really, I can’t thank you enough, but I’m glad you’re still doing what you want. I must draw, so I’m sorry I can’t spend time with you. I wish I didn’t have to be so focused.” Sunny mumbled the last part, guilty.
“Sunny, don’t say that!” Kel laughed it off, baffled by Sunny's mindset. “I do all of thatbecauseI want to! All the extra favors I did outside today for random people weren’t because I was tired of staying here. I love it here because you’re here.” Kel blushed, scratching his cheek gently. “I’m trying to do good! Earn some…good karma.” That would be a good way of saying it.
“Well, I still can’t thank you enough. You’re a really wonderful friend, Kel.” Sunny reached over and held his free hand, gaze soft. “I…I still worry, but as long as I keep Omori occupied, living like this is fine! Nothing to be afraid of. And…you seem happier.”
“Of course I’m happier. I’m where I want to be with the person I want to be with. Even if I’m going outside, I will always come home.” Kel moved his palm upward, lacing his fingers together with Sunny’s. “When I get confident enough to see Aubrey again…would you like to see her too?” It was a casual question. Kel was okay either way. He just didn’t want to leave Sunny out if he wanted Aubrey.
“…I–I–" Sunny stammered, glancing back at Omori before meeting Kel’s easygoing gaze. Confliction fought anxiety within those empty irises, and his mouth closed as he swallowed what must’ve been his honest answer. He lied instead. “N–No, it’s okay. Having you here is already wonderful, more than I can ask for! There is no need to disrupt her peace.”
“She’d be happy to see you, Sunny. Is there a reason you’re so against it?” Kel worried he was stepping into risky territory. If he pushed it too far, it might stress Sunny out and make him close up. "It’s also okay if you don’t want to answer. Just know I won’t judge you either way. More time for me and you.” Kel finished with a cheeky grin, squeezing Sunny’s hand.
There was a short shake, then a freeze as Sunny visibly tried to work through his answer, taking careful breaths. “I…of course I want my friends.” It came out in the end, his face scrunching with a painful hopelessness. “Ican’t.You’re already in danger. I can’t burden anyone else. I–I’ll keep drawing so it’ll be safe, and I’ll do it as long as I need to, but I–see it–hey, was it–Kel, did the scary get bigger? Kel, Kel, when did you touch him, did you touch him, don’t, you should,don’t–Well!It’s nothing, really! It’s fine, I’m being dramatic because Omori is porcelain, but it’s okay! As for A–Aubrey, I just don’t want to see her. I don’t like her anymore like I said that day! Ihate herand Basil for lying to me and wronging me, unlike you, who didn’t do those things! I don’t need to remember what they did. It’s bad!It’s scary!So it can stay…” Another pause. “Bring her over,please!The more the merrier! I love my precious friends!”
“…Sunny?” Kel shifted in his seat, listening to Sunny's voice rise and fall, changing tone and emotion rapidly. “Sunny, are you okay?”
“I’m okay! I'malwaysokay!” Sunny beamed, tilting his head. He moved to grasp Kel’s left hand with both of his own, holding it tightly. “I’m so happy we’re together, you and I! I’m happy you’re okay and well! Thank you for not leaving me here all alone! It gets scary when nobody is here but me and Omori, and me and Omori.” Sunny’s nails dig into Kell's skin, breath labored. “It’s okay! You’re okay! You’re okay!You’re okay!”
Kel wasn’t how he moved against the unsettling atmosphere, freeing his hand to pull Sunny into a hug, awkwardly standing in the sudden motion.
“It’s there now, but you’re okay! It doesn’t hurt, really, it doesn’t hurt, I don't feel a thing, so there’s no need to wrap it! I’m happy, I’m so happy, there’s nothing else that fits! I saw you, I saw you walking, so I stopped you from going in, but it’s there, it’s there already, you're following, you'll follow it soon, it’s cracked, so I draw. I draw. Did she leave me? Did she run away when she could? She wasn't supposed to. Mommy loves me.” Sunny’s breath hitched, and Kel lifted his now further pale, sickly-looking face, holding Sunny up once he started to sway. Once they made eye contact, Sunny brightened. “I’m so happy! Aren’t we happy? We’re so happy together, aren’t we?”
Tears welled as he beamed, eyes wide. Kel’s mind was utterly blank, ears ringing.
“I’m so happy! I’m happy, I’mhappy. I’m happy…”
They overflowed, and Sunny wobbled like a puppet, strings cut.
“I…I’m happy…” Sunny’s head lolled to the side, and Kel supported it. He opened his mouth, but nothing could come out, silenced by an unknown fear. “Kel?”
Kel lifted Sunny up, sweat trailing down the side of his face as Sunny’s eyes lidded. Kel shakily smiled. “Yeah? I’m right here. Is everything okay?”
“I can’t…see…”
“That’s okay. Do you want me to get you something? Do you want to rest in bed? Are you sick? Are you in pain?” Kel felt like there was none and too much blood in his face and other limbs. All of him was without feeling as chills wracked his body. “What do you need?”
“Bed’s good. I…I don’t feel pain…it’s okay.” Sunny smiled again. His eyelids slid further.
“Did I say something to make you panic?” Kel tried to keep a smile, skipping steps as he went upstairs. It was silent for a short while, Sunny appearing like he was dozing off in Kel’s arms. He quickly entered the room, laying Sunny on the bed as he trembled, unsure how to help. Sunny’s barely open eyes trailed over as Kel sat on the floor by the bed, arms on the mattress.
“Kel.” It was a whisper now.
“Mhm?” Kel leaned closer, wobbly and desperate.
“I…don’t know if drawing will work much longer.” Sunny reached out his hand, fingers locked in place. Kel couldn’t understand, grasping that hand with a featherlight touch.
“You can take a break, Sunny. You clearly need one.” Kel felt like crying but held it back. He was so overwhelmed, but he had to hold it in. Sunny was the priority.
“Maybe I could’ve…in the past. I loved drawing…I do love it. But now…” He sounded like he did during the storm, his eyes hazy. "I'm so sorry. I really shouldn’t have opened the door for you.”
…
“Don’t make that face…you know it’s not personal,” Sunny whined, looking genuinely pained. “I did it anyway. I…was so selfish. I’m trying to fix it…I’ll keep drawing…but it won’t work forever. Kel…”
Sunny’s eyebags had never looked more prominent.
“Are you actually okay? If you get hurt, if you…" A choke. "Kel, I couldn’t handle it.” His voice cracked, eyes shining. His words were barely held together, wavering with a flickering, dimming flame. The wick burned, leaving ashes of dread. “If anything is changing…if anything is off, if you feel weird…please–!”
No.
“I’m not leaving you behind.”
…
Sunny let out a strained gasp, covering his face with his other arm. He turned his head, inhaling against catching lungs. “Okay.”
He didn’t say anything else.
Sunny laid, and Kel sat, the cloudy sky blocking any evening sun.
It continued to rain.
…
Kel lifted his head, looking at Sunny’s sleeping form. The exhaustion knocked him out far more effectively than any other emotion could keep him awake. The pattering was relaxing and soothing, so Kel sat there peacefully.
There was nothing else to do but watch.
...
Hey…
Kel’s eyes widened against the dimming light.
I can’t seem to remember what he was saying.
Jittering.
Didn’t it just happen? I know he was breaking down…and then tried to chase me away again because he’s scared of something.
The dark clouds.
Is it the stalker? What else could it be? I wish he would just tell me everything. Why can't he explain?
Kel heard a phone ringing.
Why am I in danger?
Sunny looked peaceful.
I’d rather die saving Sunny than live abandoning him.
He’d made up his mind.
Nobody saved me, so I’m going to save you. I don’t know how, but I will.
Maybe being passive wasn’t the way to go.
I can bring Aubrey over for you. She’s in touch with her emotions and can help. I need to make up with her first, though. Maybe I can get her a peace offering.
It was difficult, but Kel pulled away from Sunny’s sleeping form, gently settling the blanket over him. He should check the phone. It was probably Sunny’s mom.
I’m sorry I don’t know what to do. I just want you to be happy.
Was it selfish?
Making others happy so he can be happy, so they like him. He did well today, and yet Sunny still broke down in pain. Kel wasn’t enough, once again. Nothing meaningful changed.
What am I supposed to do?
Crying did nothing.
Kel cried anyway. He didn't know why he was in pain.
I don’t know what’s going on. I don’t know what I need to do. I don’t know how to save people. I don’t know how to help Sunny. I don’t even know how to be happy. How can I help others? I’m so…
Kel returned to sitting and grabbed Sunny’s hand beneath the blanket.
I’m scared.
The rain continued to pour with no end.
I wish I could remember what you said.
*
“…Basil?”
“Yeah?”
“Did you get me something?”
“If I did, I’d hand it to you. Or hide it somewhere I know you’d eventually check so you’d get a nice surprise.”
“Ugh, I know. I've been a victim to it plenty.”
“And you get flustered every time.”
“I swear to–”
“What’d you find?”
“…It’s a wet gift bag on our welcome mat.”
“Is there nothing in it?”
“Um.” Shaking. “No, there’s stuff. Kinda weighty. I’m worried about looking inside. What if it’s another prank from Boen and Daphne?”
“Is it?”
“Give me a second. If you hear a scream, it was a prank.”
“Got it.”
“…”
“Aubs?”
“…Huh.”
“What? What is it?” Footsteps.
“I think…it’s a gift? This is a super weird way to give it.”
“Maybe it’s from Hero? I know I dropped off the first group of comics this time, but you proposed the idea. He might even think you dropped them off since I didn’t see him.”
“I don’t think it’s Hero. He can’t even go down the stairs yet, much lessoutside.”
“So…”
“It’s a bunch of peaches. Oh…there’s a note, but it got rained on. Everything's smeared. I can’t read it.”
“That’s unfortunate.”
“...This is really weird. Only a few people know I like peaches. Is it Hero’s mom? No, she wouldn’t have left it like that. The only other people…”
“Is it Kel?”
“I don’t…think so.”
“Maybe it’s a peace offering.”
“…”
“You were vague about your conversation, but I don’t think you said anything that would upset him.”
“You didn’t see his face, Basil! You…you didn’t see his face.”
“What did he look like?”
“He looked at me like I was going to hurt him. He was terrified of me. There’s no way he’d get me anything.”
“It might not be because he was afraid ofyouspecifically, rabbit.”
“Alright, beanstalk, sure. Say the gift is from Kel. Why wouldn’t he just hand it to me and talk? He’s a straightforward guy.”
“I mean, he tried to leave a note. Maybe he’s nervous because he feels bad.”
“…Wait, what the hell?”
“Aubs? What is it? Is there something else in there?”
“How the hell did he know I wanted this?”
“Wait, is that asunflowerearring? To match your gladiolus one?”
“Zip it.Don’t say a word.”
“I’m not saying nothin’.”
“Don’t think it.”
“Not a thought in my pea brain.”
“Ugh, you’re insufferable! That stupid smug look! I am two seconds away from attacking!”
“Alright, sugar, I’ll be sure to catch you.”
“f*ck you!I knew we shouldn’t have watched that stupid cowboy romance movie! This is the last straw!”
“W–Wait, don’t throw the peaches at me! Those–ack!”
“Square up!”
“Seriously–!?”
The door was slammed shut, and Aubrey launched at him like a feral animal.
*
> Headspace
> Theory Zone
> Discussions
> I noticed there seem to be a lot of secret messages
HenryM
Jr. Member
Hello! I am new to this forum. Sorry if I do anything wrong. I’m only 7 volumes in at the moment, and I noticed there’s a lot of strange panels and dialogue boxes. I only just noticed something scary within the trees in volume 3 on my 5th reread, and was wondering if I’m missing other hidden messages. Please let me know! I don’t mind spoilers.
#1sweetheartfan
Moderator
Welcome! I see we have a fellow dedicated theorizer on our hands! :-) Let me give you some of my genius insight! Your only just at the tip of the iceberg. That shadow in the trees was definitely a ??? spotting. Some people call him the secret admirer, but I prefer ??? (its more mysterious) We don’t know the history of the humanoid creature yet, but it’s obviously some evolved form of the shadow monsters, “Somethings”! You haven’t seen them clearly yet, but just wait until you get to the train scene. And brace yourself for volume 33, because ??? was really active in Gentle Fields. People just don’t appreciate the horror elements of the comic enough! Of course, Sweetheart is the best part overall…I miss her. Your going to love her. She’s active early on but we haven’t seen her since…the incident. Oh, I cant go on. I can’t speak of it. My sweetheart…
Rosedefender
Sr. Member
Oh not this guy again. Henry, ignore the part about Sweetheart. She’s a total narcissist who thinks she’s all that and a dozen of donuts. Her only asset is being easy on the eyes. Even Perfectheart is better in comparison, but I hate them both after the wedding. Did they really have to rub it in Rose’s face like that? This is why women scare me
Back to your main question. You might wanna wait for Big Red to come online. He isn’t particularly interested in our “nerd culture” but he’s great at piecing things together. Your question is kind of vague. Do you specifically want the theories and info we’ve got on the secret admirer? There’s a lot of conflicting ones.
FYI, it’s YOU’RE, not YOUR, uglyheart fan
#1sweetheartfan
Moderator
YOU’RE so biased against my sexy wife! I think you’re the only person on earth who cares about Rose. He’s had years to get character development and all he did was get MORE miserable. All he does is cry and whine and make everyone SAD. The only time he actually did something, he marred my beloved! I had to hug her pillow all night after seeing that horrific sight :-(
COOKIECRUMB
Sr. Member
PLEASE DON’T FIGHT OR THE OWNER WILL SHUT DOWN THE TOPIC AGAIN >=( WE ALREADY KNOW DEFENDER IS DELUSIONAL! I THINK HE JUST RELATES TO ROSE…..ANYWAY, HENRY ^.^ WAZZZZZZZZZZUPPPP! MAYBE CATCH UP ON THE COMIC FIRST BEFORE THEORY CRAFTING!!! YOU’RE GONNA BE MISSING A LOT OF INFO. EVEN IF IT’S EPISODIC THERE’S ALSO A LINEAR STORY HAPPENING OVERALL, SO IF YOU ARE INTO LORE, YOU HAVE TO READ THEM ALL BEFORE STARTING TO THEORIZE
SORRY FOR ALL CAPS. MY KEYBOARD IS BROKEN…….
Jawhawhaw
Sr. Member
How is it still broken buy a new one dude
Rosedefender
Sr. Member
I think all people who don’t like Rose should just die
#1sweetheartfan
Moderator
So you want to be the only person remaining on earth? :-) LOL
COOKIECRUMB
Sr. Member
MOST PEOPLE HERE ARE CASUAL READERS BUT THERE ARE A FEW EXPERTS! WHYSOCEREUS KNOWS A LOT ABOUT THE MAIN CAST AND THEIR CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT ^.^ BABYTULIPBABY CAN ALSO GIVE YOU INFORMATION…..BUT ONLY REALLY DETAILED THEORIES ABOUT TULIP *:* MAIN CHARACTER BIAS!!!!!!!
SPACEKEEPER HAS LOCATION AND WORLDBUILDING NOTES AND ALSO HAS MOST HIDDEN WORLD SECRETS DOCUMENTED. DOESN’T TALK A LOT, BUT YOU CAN FIND HIS OWN STREAM OF TOPICS IN KEEPER’S CORNER…..DOPE BUT SCARY LOL
ROSEDEFENDER KNOWS ALL THE LILY THEORIES, AND THE OWNER KNOWS EVERYTHING ABOUT MOTHER (ROFL) AND HAS A LOT OF IDEAS ABOUT EVERYONE’S BACKSTORIES!
THEN, OF COURSE, BIG RED FOR OVERALL STUFF (HE THINKS WE’RE ALL LAME EVEN IF HE’S THE BEST AT PREDICTING STUFF)
I RECOMMEND GOING TO WHYSOCEREUS FIRST! ^.^
#1sweetheartfan
Moderator
Nothing to say, defender? Yeah that’s what I thought! I still think you’re a troll because how could anyone like Rose, seriously. If WhySoCereus was here, he’d tear into you. Speaking of BabyTulipBaby, hasn’t it been awhile since we saw that guy? :-(
Rosedefender
Sr. Member
f*ck YOU I’m glad uglyheart got BOILED
Jawhawhaw
Sr. Member
BabyTulipBaby hasn’t come back since you guys tore into “him” for pretending to be a girl. She might really be a girl…
HenryM
Jr. Member
Thank you, COOKIECRUMB! I’ll try browsing more. I’m a little overwhelmed by the amount of topics, so I didn’t know where to start. Now I do. Thank you!
MotherLover
Owner
Welcome, Henry! We’re a pretty tightknit group here, so I hope you’ll feel right at home. Please ignore #1sweetheartfan and Rosedefender. They are only here to fight. Take your time exploring the website, because I worked hard on it! I made all the gifs myself! We’re all fans here, so don’t be afraid to ask questions.
HenryM
Jr. Member
The comics are known to be inspired by Sasaki’s real life town and relationships, right? Or am I getting that wrong?
MotherLover
Owner
That’s correct. We only know so much about the creator because of a few sporadic indirect interviews, or from his and Omori’s notes (we think the editor is using that alias) at the start or end of the volumes.
HenryM
Jr. Member
So, Mother is based on a real woman…
Jawhawhaw
Sr. Member
LOL don’t question the owner! His love is hella innocent unlike #1sweetheartfan who has a body pillow and probably a shrine ROTFLMAO
#1sweetheartfan
Moderator
I’m not ashamed. I love my wife :-)
Rosedefender
Sr. Member
*Dead wife
#1sweetheartfan
Moderator
SHE IS NOT DEAD SHE TOT BURNDE I’M GOING TO FIND YOU LOCATOIN AND ORDER FIFTY PIZZSA FOR DELIVRRY GOOD LUCK HAHA HA HA HA
MotherLover
Owner
Alright. Closing the thread. Everyone scram.
…
Henry glanced down at the open volume on his desk and sighed.
It was going to be harder than he thought to get coherent information. At least now he knew where to start. That one user was right, though.
I need to read all of them to confirm my suspicions.
It was obvious who he needed to go to first on the forums. Maybe he could instant message the guy to avoid the topic devolving into chaos. Character development…yeah.
It was plausible at first, but…
Henry opened it back to that specific page in volume six, eyes glistening as his heart thumped in his chest. Rose was drawn on the page, crying as he usually was–Henry tried not to think about it–being comforted by Mother, the purple representation of Miss Sasaki.
It was a sweet scene. The two were relating to one another, sharing bright stories about their lost ones to soothe their grief. Rose continued to cry but explained how he and Lily snuck out of their respective homes one time, with Lily flying through the sky freely before hiding in a treehouse Rose swam to. It was night, a fleeting moment together when they should’ve been asleep. That was when Rose gave her a teardrop necklace, and she gave him a kiss in return–their first kiss. Mother found it adorable, apparently not recognizing Lily as her own daughter.
Besides that, it was wholesome.
There was just one issue.
How did Sunny know?
That was fantastical, but…
Mari and I snuck out to the treehouse at night. I gave her a necklace, and she kissed me. It was our first kiss. I used to think about it…a lot. And wonder…
Another burst of pain, wondering how, even then, he didn’t notice her deep sadness. He was too preoccupied with his own feelings. The memory had slowly been locked away, now roughly brought out by the drawings on the page.
Did Mari tell Sunny about it?
It would be weird if she did. Kids aren’t the best with secrets, and it’d just gross him out anyway. And our parents never found out, either.
So…
How did Sunny know that?
Henry’s shoulders slacked.
Something’s off about everyone else, too. Something’s really strange, especially as their appearances change. I can only really attest to myself, but even…Kel’s character, Cereus…
Cereus was trying to help Rose, but it hasn’t worked so far.
Henry had this nagging feeling that in a few volumes, he would see an intense, one-sided fight. The years were a blur for Henry, but he never forgot that day–the day he made his decision.
That was the day Kel stopped smiling for him and screamed, unable to continue trying to reach out. It took far longer than it should’ve.
As the years continued, it happened in smaller bursts. And each time…Mom and Dad, they…
They always came to me.
…
Henry’s head was buried in his arms, and he cried like that stupid comic character, shaking with disgust toward himself. He did it again recently, too. It was all he knew how to do–make Kel feel bad, make his parents ignore Kel, and ruin everything for Kel. The most he bothered doing was reading a comic that might not even be of help.
It all felt pointless. His existence was pointless and a strain, a stain on life, but he continued because he was too afraid to do anything about it. As he stared at the bedroom door, his skin crawling with knowledge, he knew that the only way to continue trying to be there for Kel in some pathetic way was to call Aubrey and ask for more comics.
The longer he put it off, the harder it would be.
Won’t Aubrey or Basil come to retrieve the comics if I take too long, anyway? Since it’s theirs? Can’t I just wait until then and ask for more?
How long would that take?
How much time would it waste?
Henry watched the door, his chest hollow and limbs shaky.
Kel hasn’t come home since the storm. I…did I hear him earlier, or did I just imagine it? I don’t know. Is Mom not worried about it? Should I be? Maybe everything's fine. I could be overthinking.
…
I’m just trying to get out of going downstairs.
…
Baby steps…baby steps…exposure therapy is what everyone talks about. I think I tried that once. I don’t remember how it went. I guess that’s a pretty clear answer in itself.
…
Just going down the stairs…I have to try, don’t I? Maybe I can sit and…slowly go down? Step by step? I don’t want my parents there. I think I’d rather die than have anyone try to motivate me to do something that should be normal.
So what would he do?
I should wait until they’re not home. Or, maybe super early or super late. No, then who will pick up the phone call? Maybe I should wait and think of–no, I’m stalling again. Christ. I can’t do anything.
Henry shakily got to his feet.
I’m overthinking it. The more I think about it the more I’m going to psyche myself out. I’m already shaking and I can barely breathe. I don’t even know what I’m afraid of. I don’t know when it changed.
The world around him blurred as he held the doorknob, and he wondered if being alone was making it worse or better. The thought lingered as he opened the bedroom door, trying to move fast, trying to step ahead of the spiral already pulling him back to his safe place.
Nothing bad happens in his room, nothing bad happens when he’s in bed, nothing bad happens when he’s sleeping or on the computer, and maybe for a moment when he’s curled up and isolated, he can convince himselfeverything is okay.
It’s not.
It’s really not, and he knows that. He knows it clearly.
The railing feels unstable under his hand, and as he gazes over the first floor, the stairs in his peripheral, he wonders if a part of the nauseating cacophony of emotions washope.
I don’t want to be this way.
Exposure. Pushing his limits. He knew that was how to overcome this. Even as he stood in the hall, nearing that staircase bit by bit, the mane of hair he barely took care of shifted, brushing against his skin in warning.
That unkempt fringe swung before his eyes, strands of grease and dead follicles catching in his eyelashes. His hands remained locked in place, gripping the railing like he was on a roller rink. Henry closed his eyes and felt the sensation of friends rushing by on their blades, a phantom breeze following the playful skating. Someone reached their hand out to him.
Henry did not take it, unable to abandon his security.
Witch–like fingers remained gripping, afraid to let go, scared to even try moving forward. He’d gotten this far, but the stairs were still out of reach. The lights were on, there was nothing to hide what he was doing, no instinctive desire to help somebody driving him forward.
What am I afraid of?
Spots of color drifted about, not a voice resonating in the house. Nobody was home. His want was fulfilled. This embarrassing hurdle was his to face alone.
Why am I crying?
Why had he never tried?
Why did he only try now? Is it because he felt it? He felt that doom?
Am I afraid of dying? Am I scared of going outside and only finding another reason to hide instead of overcoming? Am I afraid of trying? I don’t know. I don’t know. I’m not scared of people. I liked people. I liked talking to people. I still do. I miss it. I don’t know how anymore. I want to talk to them. I want to shake hands. I want to hug. I want to be normal. I want to be normal again.
Henry’s surroundings became an unfocused static, socks shuffling against the wood bit by bit, slower than a newborn, barely moving.
Now that Kel isn’t here, I’m completely alone. Maybe it was just knowing his presence was around. Maybe that’s why I didn’t care or try further. I just expected him to be there forever across the room. I thought that no matter what, if I did finally decide to reach out, Kel would be there waiting. Because that’s the kind of person he was.
When his legs failed him, he clung to the pillars of wood, his arm slipping through the gap. Henry clung on, and dragged himself, partially crawling. The stairs were closer. He wondered why this was so much harder than last time.
Why did I take Kel for granted? I don’t get it. I’ve been taking everything for granted. I don’t know what I’m doing or why I’m doing it. I just didn’t think about it. If I keep hiding, I can hide from the truth of what I’ve become, what I've done, and how much I’ve lost. At least being sad is what I’m used to. It’s better than this. Anything is better than this.
Was the comfort of depression worth trading all of his friends, all of his loved ones, his memory, his life and personality, his ambition, his passion, the literal spark of his life that had him going that told him why he lived–was it worth it!?
His body froze, but Henry pushed on, near faint from being unable to breathe. The black spotting his vision was just another form of stalling, breath held in one last attempt to deter him from going forward.
If I go back now, if I can’t leave my room, if I can’t even go down the stairs, then–
Henry’s palm landed on the curve of the first step, and his heart leaped into his throat. He felt like he was watching his body from an outside view–he felt like a ghost possessing himself, limbs numb and unfamiliar, entire being disconnected from his mind.
Whether I continue or not won’t change the fact that time is still going, and I’ve already lost four years. Time will keep going and going until the people around me are no longer there to passively care and feed me and give me water and let me live in comfort and they’ll be nothing more than skeletons I look at and wonder how I could have let it all go to waste, never appreciating what's been done for me.
Shaking. Frozen. Paralyzed by fear.
But they have to know I'm grateful that I've been taken care of. They have to know it's only my fault. They have to know I did this to myself. I love them, even if I haven't said it in a long time. I love Mom and Dad. I love Kel. I know I've ignored him the most. I just can't bring myself to face him. I love him too much to burden him with me as I am. And he knows that.
That hand remained locked on the edge, and his body remained safely on the second floor, unmoved. Phantom cold showers dragged the fabric of his clothes down, and the sound of rain became deafening.
Kel knows I love him. He has to.
The pattering on the wood was nothing more than his own tears.
He knows...doesn't he?
The last time Henry looked at Kel, what expression had he made? What did Kel look like? It was another thing he ignored, turning away, unable to bear. But he saw it, didn’t he? It wasn't just anger. It was never anger. Not once when Kel faced him was it a righteous rage spat out.
How...would he know I love him?
It was always betrayal and hurt. It was never as shallow as Henry tried to convince himself it was. The bottomless well he dug for himself, that he built brick walls around to stay forever trapped in, Kel hadtriedto help him out. Kel tried so many times. Henry rejected him.
Why...did I think I was sparing Kel by hiding myself...when he couldn't escape me? He had to see me. I ignored him, not for his sake. It was for my sake. I wanted to stay ignorant.
Henry’s leg was on the first step.
That's not grace. I was cruel.
Everything hurt.
I’m so sorry.
He was overwhelmed by this cycle of endless, repeating days of nothingness, loneliness, and self-pity. He wished and wished he could go back to appreciating the people around him, loving them properly, actively loving and cherishing them, himself, and the life he was gifted with, but wishing was distant, a fake form of want that would never be pursued. Henry did nothing and received.
Wasn’t he blessed? He had everything he could want and had to do nothing to receive it.
Come on, a little farther…
Henry heaved, eyes scrunching, face wrinkled in an ugly display as tears overflowed, and he tried to go further, further down, more than just a step. Two steps.Three–
Please. Please don’t let me fail. Please.
There wasn’t a religious bone in his body, but in that moment, he prayed with all his being that he could be free of the decaying cage he’d trapped himself in. The pain was shackles younger him clamped onto his own limbs, deciding that if it wasn't possible in that moment, future him wouldn't be able to do it, not ever.
Please don’t let this be it…please…I…
Five steps.
Come on. Come on, I’m trying. I’m trying as hard as I can. I’m finally being brave. I’m finally doing what I’m supposed to do. It’s exposure, right? So it’ll get easier the further I go! It has to get easier!
Henry curled up. He could not move further.
No…please, that’s not fair! I really tried this time! I’m doing everything I can! I am, aren’t I!? I can’t do this again! I have to succeed this time! I have to! I…have to. I…
He remained there, mind spiraling in denial.
Until even his thoughts faded out, a sense of horror settled over any prior hope.
I can’t!
Henry did what he knew best and gave up in the face of insurmountable terror.
Fear screamed at him to run, go home, and go back to his safe place, and on instinct, he rose to follow it, shaky limbs scrambling to go back to where he didn’t feel this way, where something didn't crowd his vision with black. That twisted irony bent his knees, muscles partially atrophied from wasting away, weak and unused to sudden movements.
Henry, in his attempt to escape back up, destroying his own hope, lost control of his weakened body and crumpled beneath himself, collapsing down the stairs. The bursts of pain were unfamiliar, body cracking against each step until he slammed into the ground, arms around his head in a last defense.
His entire body quaked. He couldn’t speak, couldn’t do anything but tremble silently, not even able to cry.
...
But...
He was on the first floor.
…
Henry couldn’t move and ached all over. He wasn’t seriously injured. Any pain would be magnified after years without experiencing it meaningfully. Anxiety had him frozen, fight or flight failing him.
Somebody was going to find him like this. Henry could no longer feel ashamed, echoing emptiness bouncing around what was once a spiraling and screaming mess of scribbling thoughts. Nothing remained.
But he was downstairs.
And he knew the phone was there, too.
…
It was a fluke. It wasn’t intentional at all. He didn’t stand up to his fear beyond a meaningless stretch outward, curling his hand at the last moment.
But Henry was downstairs.
And he would stay downstairs until someone found him, because all his bones had locked into place like a frightened sheep.
Despite that, his first thought once his vision cleared through static, panic waning enough that a sliver of himself could come back to the forefront over the tsunami of fear–
I made it.
It wasn’t a sparkling medal, an impressive certificate, or a standing trophy.
I made it!
It was a nineteen-year-old lying in a heap at the bottom of a staircase, sickly and ugly.
I really made it down!
An accident caused by his own neglect, a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I took my first step!
There had never been a greater achievement in his life.
At that moment, he ignored the objective view of the situation as he swelled with pride, even if his exterior was now a faulty, mistreated shell. He allowed himself to feel hope, to see the flickering streetlights of a path finally forward opening up, steps gradually revealed within a fading fog.
I did it!
It was no longer a hole he was trapped in, a deep well where he'd look up helplessly at an impossible to reach sky–but a tunnel, extended and boundless and difficult, but with a speck of light visible at the end, now within sight.
I can see it!
It was going to be the most arduous journey of his life.
I'll make it to the other side, no matter what.
Henry didn't know he was smiling.
