Q Six years ago, while celebrating Easter at the home of my brother and his wife, a terrible row erupted between him and my husband. It resulted in my husband leaving the next morning while I was left to sort things out.
The two men have not met since and I’ve been trying hard over the years to build bridges – especially for the sake of my mum (the rift causes her great sadness) and stepfather, who are both elderly. I saw my brother and his wife at a funeral last year and they were friendly towards me, which I took as a good sign.
My husband and I are celebrating big birthdays in August with a party, and we’ve invited them both. I’d love it if they were there but, while they haven’t said no, I doubt they will come. My mum has spoken to them and they refuse to move on from the row. My brother even told her that he doesn’t miss me. I’m heartbroken.
My daughter saysI can’t make them think differently. I’ve always felt that they see me as rather insignificant and a bit of a waste of space because I haven’t been to university. They both have successful careers. I can’t let go because they are my family, and I’d do anything to make it right.
A I’m so sorry – family rifts are very painful. It sounds, however, that their anger is aimed more at your husband. Putting aside differences for the sake of someone you care about is a loving act – so would he be willing to help heal the rift for your sake, just as you are for your mother’s?
He may never warm to your brother or his wife but could he extend an olive branch, such as an email suggesting bygones be bygones? He doesn’t need to apologise; he could simply say how much he would like them to come to the party. As for your brother, I suggest that his values are wrong. Your worth has nothing to do with universities or careers – I believe only kindness sets one person apart from others.
Your daughter is right –you can’t change how they feel, but perhaps you can find a way to feel differently.
For some people, their families are the ones they love the most, but there is no obligation to do so unconditionally – that love still has to be earned. So please ask yourself if, as your brother is acting this way, he is worthy of the love you are so keen to give him.
What concerns me, too, is that you seem to accept his opinion of you as being somehow lesser, when actually you’re the kinder, better person – after all, it is you who is trying to ease the rift. So look at building your self-esteem, perhaps through counselling or an app such as Happier or ThinkUp.
In the meantime, be friendly, tell your brother and his wife you would love to see them at the party, but try not to let it be so important to you.
Is this new relationship worth pursuing?
Q I was married for 30 years until my husband died five years ago. I was only 20 at the start and he was my first relationship. I miss him, but this is partly out of habit because, to be honest, it wasn’t a happy marriage.
I have had very little confidence to start dating again. After meeting some lacklustre men, I have finally been out with one who seems lovely, but I don’t know where I am with him. I’ve seen him only a handful of times (coffee, drinks, walks) but we get on really well and he tells me how much he enjoys my company.
However, a couple of times he’s been quite grumpy and uncommunicative. He’s texted afterwards to apologise and said that he wants to keep seeing me but that he has some issues he is dealing with. Is this relationship worth pursuing?
A I’m usually against men who blow hot and cold. If a man wants to be with you, then he should be happy being with you. However, a man in his 50s or 60s is bound to have baggage and as he’s been quick to say sorry about his moods this shows promise that these issues are about him and not you. (Is he widowed, too? He may be wrestling with guilt about seeing someone new.)
The only way to know if this is worth pursuing is to take it slowly. Don’t rush into a sexual relationship because it might muddy the waters.
Instead, take your time and ask him whether he is able to talk about these issues. If he can be open and is prepared to get counselling, if needed, then this bodes well. Generally, relationships that start as friendships and develop slowly have a better longevity rate than whirlwind romances.
If you have a problem, write to Caroline West-Meads at YOU, 9 Derry Street, London W8 5HY, or email c.west-meads@mailonsunday.co.uk. You can follow Caroline on X/Twitter @Ask_Caroline_
Caroline reads all your letters but regrets she cannot answer each one personally
